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Dear Abner,

I was wondering if you could help me sort out a major controversy at our house. Every year the mall does "free" slave gradings in the center court to drum up traffic. They actually setup bleachers so shoppers can take a load off and watch local girls get graded. It's called "Black Friday, Pink Pussy", although all the ads say "On Black Friday, See the Pink!"

The issue is my daughter Bella turned 18 3 weeks ago, and she has a bet with her friends about who will get the highest grade, and who will win the "Pie for Santa" Contest, where the mall Santa judges the hottest, wettest pussy. I put my foot down and forbid my daughter from doing this, but she said she is 18 and can do what she wants. All my neighbors and co-workers and even my poker buddies seem to know about this, and there's a lot of "good natured" joshing where people ask me if her pussy patch is as red as the hair on her head. I've nearly punched out a few of them who just wouldn't let up.

Her brother's nerdy, pervert friends are going, and have even started an instagram album to share photos. A bunch of the folks from my Masonic Lodge are going, and from my church as well. A few have offered to buy her if I decide to enslave her. There's no way I would ever do that, although my poker buddies said I might change my mind when I see "how slave hot she is." It's a nightmare, and the teasing and rude remarks never end. My wife has said that I have to let her spread her wings, and I said it's not her wings that I'm worried about her spreading. I offered to take her for a private grading out of state, but I think it's the competition and the chance to show how hot she is that's the real draw. I know I'm never going to live this down... what do I do?

Desperate Dad

Oh Dad I have a feeling Abner will tell you to let her spread her legs er wings!

Hey Desperate Dad,

You have two choices here buddy, either fight it, letting your neighbors, coworkers and poke buddies get under your skin or embrace it, telling them how proud you are of Daddy’s grown-up girl. I agree with your wife, it's time to let your adult daughter spread her wings, or more aptly, her legs so to speak.

The best thing you can do is work with her and your wife to help her win by developing a competitive Christmas themed block routine with appropriate props. First thing you do is order a quality classic twelve-inch glass candy cane dildo. You can find them online at Etsy, Amazon, or Adam & Eve. Hell, get two or three, you don’t want to neglect your wife after all. Next you need appropriate theme music and for some reason I cannot get Marylin Monroe’s rendition of Santa Baby out of my head when thinking of your daughter. Remind her that practice makes perfect, so she will need to master the use of the “candy canes” in all the right places.

Now that you have the props and music taken care of there is the basic block routine and the grand finale where the future pleasure slut erupts into a frenzy, squirting all over the stage. Not all women are natural squirters so spending some time researching the topic online would be helpful. Foria has an excellent article where a woman can learn to squirt in just five steps! Articles and YouTube videos are easy to find with a simple Google search. Make mastering squirting a mother/daughter project. It's always nice to have something they can spend quality time together working on.

If your daughter’s curtains match the carpet, keep a tuft of red hair right above her glistening slit. It is a Christmas themed contest after all, so you want her to have the right Christmas spirit. As I sit here, I envision your daughter strutting on stage to Santa Baby in the background twirling a “candy cane” on her finger until she stops right in front of the bad Santa. Looking skyward she inhales that candy cane like a sword swallower while looking longingly at Santa. After quickly moving through some basic slave yoga positions, she needs to stuff her stocking with that “candy cane” so to speak, until she blows a gasket squirting while lost in the throes of her own orgasm. Don’t forget your wife; some of these places have mother/daughter or MILF contests so be sure to sign her up also.

Best,

Abner

Ask Abner is written by Abner Armfield, advice columnist and author of the New York Times bestseller "The Redneck Guide to Home Training Your Slave". Please email your questions to askabner@comcast.net, or write to: Abner’s Mailbox, c/o THE DALLAS MORNING NEWS 1954 Commerce St. Dallas, TX 75201.

Mr. Abner Armfield is a direct descendent of John Armfield, the founder of Franklin & Armfield, the largest slave trading firm in the country prior to the Civil War. He is on the board of the reconstituted Franklin & Armfield that owns the Old Slave Mart chain amongst other interests. He graduated with an MBA from the McCombs School of Business after undergraduate studies at Ole Miss. He met his wife Amber Post while working as a trainer at the Pearson Pussy Ranch right after graduating from McCombs. Ms. Post, a fellow trainer at Pearson’s, wrote the best seller Five Years a Pleasure Slut about her many adventures as a concubine and currently has her own syndicated column. At age 19 she received her concubine certificate after six months of in-depth training at the Venus Academy where she graduated with honors. The couple co-star in the highly rated syndicated TV show Ask Amber and Abner now in its seventh season on the Slave channel. Amber is currently in the fifth year of a FINO enslavement to Abner and the happy couple have three children.

I swear, I hate trying to figure out posting pictures. I found some of the glass candy cand dlldos (some in use) and for the life of me couldn't post them. One was titled "All I Want for Christmas is my Candy Dildo". Hopefully someone more computer savvy than I can cover for me.

Both Joe's and Mister Smith"s comments are so wonderful.

Unfortunately, it's neither my pussy nor my candy cane dildo...