Ask Abner (Advice columnist hands out free advise)

[Mr. Smith]

Hey Abner,

I'm always run'n out of lube for my slave girl's leather cheerio and my wife don't want me spending any of her money on it. See, ever since I spent the rent money on a down-payment for this girl, I'm on a red-beans-and-rice budget and I'm look'n round the house for a home remedy. The old lady tells me spit is free and good enough for my slut’s dirtbox. Problem is spit ain't doing it for me let alone my slut. How bout WD-40? Got some of that in the garage. Wut you use?

Carl

Hey Carl,

Take a look see in the kitchen and find your wife's tub of Crisco shortening. If she’s a good cook it likely goes into most everything she makes. This is a good cheap lube for tapping your slave girl’s puckered browneye. It is thick and hard in the jar making it easy to push past her rusty sheriff’s badge, but it melts with body temperature and leaves the skin feeling soft and smooth. This thick, full-bodied, and completely plant-based preparation turns into a really slippery oil when exposed to the heat in your slut's dookie hole making it perfect for anal sex. You don't need much due to its high capacity and long-lasting glide. You'll have no problem punching your shaft past her leather cheerio using this stuff. As a food it is also safe to swallow so your slut can take your cock in her mouth to clean you off right after dropping some seasoning deep in her Texas chili hole during a good ass pounding. If you wife doesn't have any Crisco, I have other common household items that I reckon you could use listed in chapter 7 on Anal Sex in my book, The Redneck Guide to Home Training Your Slave.

Crisco is the favorite of those fellas that are light in the pants in San Francisco for this thing called fisting. That’s where they stick their hands up another fella’s hairy backdoor. They've been using it since the 60's and they are the experts in this. A word of warning, DO NOT look up fisting on the internet and watch a video. Guaranteed to make you puke and then want to gouge your eyes out. Trust me on this. Also, do not take the tub with you and dip your fingers in it after lubing your slut’s puckered starfish as your wife will notice. Get a spoon and take a little out, it's all you’ll need.

Best.

Abner

*****

Hey Abner,

I'm planning on going down to the Dollar Slave Mart to get my first slave girl ever out of the pre-owned Standard Grab'n Go pen. Yeah, I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel but it’s all I ken afford. Gettin' a used model with likely discipline issues, I need to show her that I am in charge. What's the best way to set the tone? I really need your help here. Thanks.

Cordell

Hey Cordell,

Experienced slaves like to top from the bottom, and that slut will be testing you from day one. The first time she hesitates or gives you any attitude you need to whup her ass but good and teach her who’s boss. The one thing all slave girls fear is the pain from the kiss of the whip, and you need to make it hurt real good without breaking her skin.

To do this right you need a chunk of fresh ginger, a good cane, riding crop, leather strap and a good bite gag. First you tie her down, gag her, and then you have her watch you whittle that ginger into a good size anal plug. Wash your hands and then make the slut cum. You always make em cum cuz that reminds them why you bought em in the first place. Pop that ginger into her backdoor and in no time it will start to burn nicely. It will really burn when she clenches her ass cheeks during the whipping.

Start the beating with the cane and lay some stripes on her ass, then nail her good with the cane again so the stripes crisscross. Those hurt like hell. You want about 20-30 good crisscrossing welts on her and then make her cum again. Use the riding crop and leather strap over the welts and remember to get the insides of her thighs really good and then make her cum again. Finish her off with your bare hand, it’s more personal reminding her that you own her ass. Then make sure she cums again before you untie her. This whole process should take well over an hour leaving her looking like she’s been chewed up, spit out, and stepped on while giving you a good workout. Regardless of her good behavior afterwards, you want to repeat this process a minimum of 2-3 times a year. Slaves are stupid and forgetful so you have to remind her from time to time. Take a look at chapter 3, titled Discipline in my book, The Redneck Guide to Home Training Your Slave for detailed instructions on the different types of discipline to use on your slave.

There’s this thing called aftercare that you need to give her. First you need to rub some healing ointment into her skin to help it heal (if you don’t, it might affect her resale price). Check out chapter 12, the one titled Home Remedies in my book, The Redneck Guide to Home Training Your Slave. There are a couple of darn good recipes that you can put together on a budget. While you rub in the ointment you take the time to tell her that it pains you more than her to have to whup her ass like this. She needs to understand that you are doing this to help her be the best slave girl she can be so that you can be proud to own her. It’s important for her to understand that even an over the hill Standard rated slave girl can be a man’s prized possession.

The other thing you want to do in the first month is slap an ownership brand on her ass. You can spend big bucks at the Big D where my good friend the legendary smith Merle Atkins can design a right purdy badge head for you. But with you being on a budget where you can’t jump over a nickel to save a dime just use some big ole paperclips and BBQ tongs. I mean, it’s not like you’re working with a pristine piece of canvas here. You don’t need a fancy branding bench either. I like tying ‘em down over the hood of my pickup truck for this. There’s some pictures in my book where I have a slut tied down over my truck’s hood that you can look at as a reference point. Remember to make the little slut cum right before you kiss her ass with your branding iron. It reminds her why you bought her as your fucktoy. Don’t forget to hose off your truck because sure as shit she’ll pee all over it when you burn your mark into her ass—don’t need no rust streaks on the hood.

I really recommend that you get a copy of my book The Redneck Guide to Home Training Your Slave and read the whole thing before you head out to the Dollar Slave Mart. It’s more a picture book since most real men don’t read instructions but you’ll get more out of it if you take the time to read the captions. Good luck with your purchase.

Best.

Abner

*****

Hey Abner,

Santa gave me a Christmas Coed this year. She was pretty as a peach with that red ribbon collar curled up under our tree. Everything was great until my wife's family came over for Christmas dinner and the in-laws started playing with my new toy. Damn if she wasn't leaking on the floor after my wife's father, uncle and brothers were done using her. Now they keep coming by for visits when I am out, and my wife lets them have their way with MY Christmas present. Just like I wouldn't share my toothbrush with them I don't want to share my slave girl. Hell, I absolutely hate sloppy seconds. I've told them she is off limits and they just ignore me and my wife. How do I get them to stop?

Yours truly,

Edward

Hey Edward,

This is what you do to avoid the further dilution of ownership of your pleasure slut. Invite your in-laws over for dinner soon after you take your pleasure slut into the vet for her quarterly checkup. Arrive late so everyone is already there and grab yourself a nice cold beer. Rush into the room with your beer and announce that you were held up because you were pickin’ up some penicillin for the slut because she tested positive for syphilis. Hopefully it's not the incurable strain. Then sit back and watch the fireworks while sipping on a cold one. Trust me, the women folk will be mad enough to drown puppies when they find out they have to go to the doctor to get tested for syphilis all because their men were dipping their wicks in your Christmas present. I reckon there will be hell to pay if any of your in-laws even look at your pleasure slut again. It might be best if you let your wife know the truth after everyone's leaves but that's up to you. Take a look at chapter 8, the one titled Sharing in my book, The Redneck Guide to Home Training Your Slave.

Best

Abner

*****

Hey Abner,

Need your hep. Got me a young slave girl dat's so pretty she could make a hound dog smile at the Dollar Slave Mart in Jasper, the one next to TSC Tractor Supply. Got her cheep cause she ain't too bright. I mean, if brains were leather, she wouldn't have enough to saddle a June bug which is ok because I done not buy her for her intellect but cause she can suk a watermellon threw a hose. Last week she done started whining that my junk stinks to high heaven. The li’l slut ain't got no home trainin cause she done it right in front of the wife who thought it was funny as all get out, she was laughing so hard. I tanned the tramp's hide in the barn right after but she's still complaining. I reckon you could help? My old lady's still giving me shit over this.

Carlton

Hey Carlton,

That slave girl sure got some gumption doing that and needs some good old fashioned home training. You need to have a CUM to Jesus meetin' with your ungrateful slut. Take her downtown and find a couple of homeless folk and make her perform what I call a Bum Lick on em. Make her blow them and lick their nuts clean with that little tongue of hers til she's worn slap out. That'll give her something that tastes like ass that she'll not soon forget. If she complains, tell her to kiss your go-to-hell. Even if the porch lights on and nobody's home she'll be grinnin' like a possum eatin' a sweet tater next time you feed her your junk after a good Bum Lick or two. For more on this take a look at chapter 4 on Motivating Your Slut in my book, The Redneck Guide to Home Training Your Slave. There are all sorts of useful tips to help you out in there.

Best,

Abner

Ask Abner is written by Abner Armfield, advice columnist and author of the New York Times bestseller The Redneck Guide to Home Training Your Slave. Please email your questions to askabner@comcast.net, or write to: Abner’s Mailbox, c/o THE DALLAS MORNING NEWS 1954 Commerce St. Dallas, TX 75201.

Mr. Abner Armfield is a direct decedent of John Armfield, the founder of Franklin & Armfield, the largest slave trading firm in the country prior to the Civil War. He is on the board of the reconstituted Franklin & Armfield that owns the Old Slave Mart chain amongst other interests. He graduated with an MBA from the McCombs School of Business after undergraduate studies at Rice. He met his wife Amber Post while working as a trainer at the Pearson Pussy Ranch right after graduating from McCombs. Ms. Post, a fellow trainer at Pearson’s, wrote the best seller Five Years a Pleasure Slut about her many adventures as a concubine and currently has her own syndicated column. At age 19 she received her concubine certificate after six months of in-depth training at the Venus Academy where she graduated with honors. The couple co-star in the highly rated Ask Amber and Abner syndicated TV show currently in it’s seventh season on the Slave channel. Amber is currently in the fifth year of a FINO enslavement to Abner and the happy couple have three children.

[Belinda]

Fun and imaginative. Well done!

[Danicali299]

I loved this man. Light hearted and fun to read before bed.

[Belinda]

I agree with Steve. Marvelous little story. Well written and fun.

[Mr. Smith]

Abner is working on some reader questions for next week. Hank in Beaumont wants some advice on tightening up his second hand slut's honeypot. If any of Abner's fans have questions or topics for Abner to address feel free to leave them here.