Dear Campers

[Mastergepetto]

I thought it would be fun to try writing a short, one part story in a different narrative format. This is meant to be a light-hearted experimentation. If y’all like it, I am happy to write more short stories like this.

I hope you enjoy! Feedback is always appreciated!

A message from Daniel Woodman, Acting Head Camp Counselor, Beaverton Bible Camp

Dear Campers, Counselors, and Staff,

As I am sure you are all well aware by now, our Head Camp Counselor, Faith Goodleigh, had an unfortunate accident while returning from the three night excursion she led with a group of senior campers.

Last night, while attempting to relieve herself in the dark woods, Counselor Faith inadvertently wiped her private areas and bottom with several leaves of poison Ivy. Although Counselor Faith is an experienced outdoorswoman, we all know accidents happen. She stated that she failed to identify the leaves properly due to poor lighting and did not want to turn on her flashlight out of respect for the sleeping campers. Luckily, the group was on the final leg of their excursion and was only about three miles from camp when the symptoms presented themselves as a horrible burning itch on her crotch and bottom. Unfortunately, however, the rash was so severe that Counselor Faith was forced to remove her pants and underwear, and apply anti-itch ointment in the field. Several senior campers were able to put their first aid training to good use as they aided Counselor Faith in administering the soothing ointment.

Due to the severity of the rash, Counselor Faith struggled to maintain an adequate pace, and the senior campers managed to make it back to camp by carrying her the remaining distance. It was an already tense situation made worse by the fact that Faith had to remain bottomless for the remainder of the trip. We commend the quick actions of the campers in taking turns to deliver their leader to safety.

When Counselor Faith arrived back at the camp, our medical team was immediately alerted to the situation, and after a quick assessment, it was determined that Faith needed professional medical attention. An ambulance was dispatched to Camp Beaverton and Counselor Faith was transported to a local teaching hospital.

Unfortunately, it has been brought to our attention that several photos of Head Counselor Faith are being spread around camp. These photographs appear to show our leader bottomless on the stretcher on her elbows and knees in the frog position as she is being wheeled into the ambulance. While this pose was embarrassing enough for our poor leader, the constant application of the soothing ointment caused Ms. Faith the secrete certain liquids from her private region that are clearly visible on the photos. As these photos depict Counselor Faith’s private areas in explicit detail, they violate camp policies against pornography. Any campers caught with such pictures will be disciplined according to the Honor Code of Camp Beaverton.

Furthermore, there are reports of videos depicting Head Counselor Faith using spare rope to floss her crotch and bottom region in order to scratch the rash. We have been informed that Counselor Faith appears to be doing an unspeakable and un-Christian act in such videos while uttering senseless, obscene mumblings to a nearby group of campers that should never be repeated at this camp. Although the existence of such hellacious videos are unconfirmed, any camper caught possessing, viewing, or spreading such videos will be punished accordingly.

Additionally, it is imperative that we address various disturbing rumors regarding what transpired on the return trip. There is gossip around camp that Head Counselor Faith begged several of the male senior campers to “rub her ‘poor’ pussy, finger her ‘dirty’ asshole, and make her cum ‘like a common street whore.’” These absolutely detestable rumors are unfounded, impious, and disrespect the good moral character of our Head Counselor, who just recently renewed her vow of chastity in front of the whole camp and in front of God. We have interviewed the male senior campers who were on the trip, and each of them have individually attested that while Counselor Faith requested their aid in administering the ointment on her netherregions, none of them digitally penetrated their leader’s private area. The Head Counselor’s grace remains intact. The male senior campers have also sworn that the strange substance found coating Ms. Faith’s hair was dried ointment that inadvertently got sprayed into her hair when unclogging one of the ointment tubes. We have no reason to believe our good senior campers would lie about such tenuous events, and we have taken them at their word. Each senior camper has been awarded a patch for their professionalism in delivering aid during what was certainly an embarrassing situation for everyone involved.

We hope to have our dear Head Counselor back tomorrow. Unfortunately, after Counselor James cross-checked Counselor Faith’s packing list with her remaining items, it has come to our attention that several items appear to be missing from her bag. Most of her clothes have been recovered; however, several pairs of her underwear are still missing. Thankfully, they should not be difficult to find as Counselor Faith’s mother insisted on marking each pair of Faith's Hanes cotton briefs with her name and a heart on the inside tag. According to her packing list, she is still missing pairs of white, pink, yellow, orange, lime green, baby blue, red heart, and floral cotton briefs. We have recovered Faith’s red and blue starred underwear from the flagpole and several of her bras from the boys cabin. We do not want a repeat of last year, when Sister Hope’s silk and lacy underwear were passed around the camp like trading cards. Additionally, Counselor Faith’s hiking shorts, spare key to her private cabin, and private diary have been reported missing. These items may have been lost when Counselor Faith stripped bottomless and emptied out her bag in search of the first aid kit and anti-itch ointment; however, if any campers are aware of the location(s) of these missing items, it is imperative that we recover them before Counselor Faith’s return.

Fortunately, Father Frank was able to visit Head Counselor Faith at the teaching hospital and reported that she is being well attended to by a team of doctors, medical students, and college interns. Since it is a teaching hospital, Faith’s treatment is being well documented so it can be used as a teaching aid for generations of future students. Faith stated that she is getting tired from having to maintain a frog position while the ointment dries, but she is otherwise in good spirits. She was excited to find out that one of her friends from college is an intern at the hospital, and the intern has promised that he will do everything he can to make sure that our Head Counselor remains in good hands and gets round the clock treatment. They were even able to video call with a group of Faith’s college friends, including her sorority sisters and their fraternity friends, who all gave her words of encouragement and requested consistent updates and documentation of her rash as it heals. It is good to hear that a close friend has taken the initiative to make sure our leader gets the treatment she deserves!

Unfortunately, Father Frank reported that Faith will need to stay at the hospital overnight so that the staff can monitor her rash. Father Frank noted that the Hospital was extremely busy due to a hives outbreak at a local high school baseball camp, but luckily the medical staff was still able to find a cot for Counselor Faith in the general treatment area with the less affected baseball players. Although the constant parade of new patients has prevented Faith from getting much rest, she appears to be making the most of a bad situation by making friends with the baseball players during her stay. The Baseball camp has even invited our camp to watch a baseball game next weekend and Counselor Faith has agreed to throw out the first pitch!

The doctors have informed us that since poison ivy rashes are aggravated by warm, damp material, even after her return, Head Counselor Faith will not be able to wear any clothes below her waist until the rash is fully healed. They advised that due to the severity of the rash, it may be 10-14 days until her rash is fully clear. They will send an intern in two weeks to give Faith the clear to resume wearing pants and underwear. Luckily, her official camp shirt will be baggy enough to cover most of her private areas; however, any physical activity or sudden movements may cause her to be exposed. As this is a Christian camp, we expect nothing but absolute decorum as our leader navigates this tough situation. Any students caught teasing or ridiculing the Head Counselor will be punished accordingly. This includes but is not limited to mocking the fact that she is not a true blonde, making fun of her body’s natural secretions during the application of the ointment, and calling her names such as “Head Beaver,” “President Bush,” and “Captain Underpants-less.”

The doctors have advised that over the next two weeks, Head Counselor Faith will need to apply the ointment every hour. While the nurse is capable of doing this, Counselor Faith thought it would be a good idea for campers practicing their first aid badge to get some real world experience. She added that Senior campers who already have their first aid badge are still encouraged to sign up for practice. Sign ups will be posted on the central bulletin board with hourly time slots from 7am to 10pm every day for the next two weeks, although she requested the 10pm slot be reserved for Senior campers. We ask that campers initially sign up for one slot each to give the opportunity for each camper to get first aid experience.

Finally, I am sure this news leaves many of you wondering about the status of our Head Counselor during next week’s Camp Olympics against the Jewish, robotics, and chess camps. As Beaverton Bible Camp has won the Camp Olympics for a record seven straight years, it is understandable to be worried about losing our best female athlete on the eve of the Camp Olympics. Luckily, I can inform you with great pride that Head Counselor Faith has assured me that she will still fully participate in this year’s Camp games, even though she will have to do so bottomless. She looks forward to once again beating her younger brother and his nerdy robotics friends and can’t wait to see the look on their faces when she runs the ropes course in record time. Let your parents and friends know that they can watch the Camp Olympics live by
following a link on the Camp Beaverton website. Videos from the Camp Olympics will also be posted on YouTube following the conclusion of the Games.

Additionally, Father Frank has informed us that should we win the Camp Olympics for an eighth straight year, the Church has offered to pay for the entire camp to take a field trip to the local county fair. As extra incentive, Counselor Faith has even promised that if we win, she will volunteer to spend an hour in the dunking booth! All proceeds from the dunking booth will go to updating the town square’s gazebo, so the entire town is likely to attend! Father Frank and Counselor Faith will present the proceeds to the Mayor in a special ceremony at the end of the night and will be featured in the town paper. This will be a great opportunity to show our friends, family, and the people of Beaverton what this camp is all about!

As such, please keep Head Counselor Faith in your thoughts and prayers. I will be the Acting Head Camp Counselor in the interim. We will have a camp-wide banquet in Faith’s honor on the day she returns. I imagine many of you will have numerous questions for our leader, and she will answer what she can, but please respect her privacy during this time. As Counselor Faith will likely be unable to wear pants and underwear for the next two weeks, it is imperative that everyone maintain their best Christian Behavior in light of the tenuous situation.

Vaya Con Dios,

Daniel Woodman, Acting Head Camp Counselor, Beaverton Bible Camp